Understanding the Types of Dyadic Coping
If you want to understand how to manage stress in a relationship, the way you cope with stress yourself is only half the picture. The other half involves understanding how your partner copes with stress and, more importantly, how you two together can handle the stress life throws at you. That makes dyadic coping—the way partners support each other through tough times—the kind of knowledge you can use to build a more resilient relationship.
Positive vs. Negative Dyadic Coping
Forms of dyadic coping can be classified as either good or bad (positive or negative), with distinctly different effects on relationships (Bodenmann et al., 2018). Good dyadic coping consists of supportive actions like listening, as well as emotional and instrumental support. These actions are fundamental in reinforcing trust, intimacy, and mutual respect. I see good dyadic coping in the relationships of my clients, even when they’re facing significant challenges; they are still coping with each other in good ways.
Bad dyadic coping is a little more difficult to catch because some of the actions are just steps away from good coping. They involve the same people but are really about the wrong kinds of behaviors. These behaviors generally lead to teeing up a relationship for failure.
Supportive, Delegated, and Negative Coping Behaviors
When a person is under stress, it’s easy for them to feel as if they are alone in their struggle. However, one of the best ways to help your partner cope when times get tough is simply to act as if you understand them perfectly and care for them deeply. This is just the basic concept of what supportive dyadic coping is (Bodenmann, 2000); there are many other ways to express this same idea that all amount to essentially the same thing. They all describe the same general way of making your partner feel better during stressful times.
When your partner is struggling to cope with a burden that consumes them entirely and they do not have the mental space to deal with it, take it upon yourself. Taking over your loved one’s concern as if they were your own, because what is your partner’s burden is ultimately yours too, is called delegated coping (Bodenmann, 2000).
Unhelpful ways of dealing with stress show up in either withdrawal or blame and attempt to control when partners feel they can’t manage the demands of life. To be aware of what’s going on when these patterns show up, even in the heat of the moment, is a critical step toward cultivating healthier responses.
What we need to be doing instead is finding ways that both partners can manage together the stress life throws at them. There are at least two types of “dyadic coping” mechanisms that couples can employ. One is when the partners help each other cope with the stress. The other is when one partner, without much help from the other, is doing what they can to cope with the situation.
But what is negative coping behaviors, do you think? It is exactly what it sounds like; unhelpful and detrimental. Brushing off what your partner considers important, making light of the situation, or even laughing at them for considering it to be important, can only cause them to further dive into a spiral (Bodenmann, 2000). Don’t do it, you will regret it.
Identifying Stressors and Their Impact on the Relationship
The path to a relationship is fraught with the push and pull of life. The partnership can withstand only so much pressure before it begins to crack. To ensure that harmony and equilibrium continue, it takes a solid understanding of the two principal characters, the partners, who hold the relationship together. When stress threatens a partnership, either external or internal, it requires a transformative process to ensure that both individuals, as well as the relationship, emerge on the other side intact and reinforced.
Common Stressors for Couples
A relationship can be affected by stress coming from both inside and outside the partnership. External stressors can include problems with employers or employees, tight finances, or conflicts with in-laws. It can also include your partner struggling with themselves, with their self-perceptioin, self-efficacy, with thinking they will not succeed (even when evidence shows the contrary), when seeing success and fearing being found to be a fraud, when struggling to internalize their success, when they have the imposter syndrome. Internal problems can include disagreements over fundamental values, interests, or parenting styles; intimacy problems; or just plain old personality clashes (both of which can affect the relationship and each within the relationship).
Any of these stressors can affect the bond between partners and lead to misunderstandings, tensions, and conflicts.
Addressing Stress Together
When you recognize that stressors are affecting your relationship, it is very important to take them on together. This involves both partners working to relieve the relationship’s stress together. This is done by both partners engaging in open conversation about the various stressors each of them is dealing with and trying to work out a solution. This is not done in the traditional manner of “fixing” things. Rather, it is one individual listening to their partner and being “with” them as they talk about what is troublesome to them.
Fifteen minutes set aside daily or every other day can serve these “life-stress” conversations very well. They don’t take much time, but they don’t spare much either in the way of ensuring the life partners are relating to one another on a very close and supportive level.
In no relationship is stress absent, and in this presence, we have the delicate balance of coping. Stress is the environmental factor that tests a relationship, and in recent years, researchers and clinicians have devoted increasing attention to those couples who, under the pressure of life events, are at high risk for relationship deterioration. Our most recent common understanding is that how partners face life stresses together—that is, how they cope both as individuals and as a team—determines the likely future of their relationship.
Implementing Positive Dyadic Coping Strategies
It takes two to cope, and when it comes to buffering stress and building emotional resilience, the best strategy is dyadic coping. While we may be inclined to think of it as simply a good way to get along, in reality, it is the path toward building a relationship that not only copes well with “normal” amounts of everyday stress but is also buffered against the kinds of pressure cookers that can make a partnership seem more like a prison than a promising prospect.
So what is dyadic coping? Simply put, it is working together as a couple to get along through some tough times. A prime example would be sharing the ups and downs of life, day by day, and somehow managing to make life’s rough patches feel as though they are not so rough after all.
Practical advice for incorporating supportive and delegated coping strategies includes:
- Make it a habit to talk with each other: Carve out time for conversations about your personal and professional lives, especially when the going gets tough. If you regularly check-in, then both of you will be able to identify the potential relationship implications of work stress before it becomes a big issue. If one, or both, are experiencing IP feelings, speaking to one another can because especially helpful and alleviating. The IP consumes a lot of energy from one who is struggling with identifying it, or is experiencing it. Speaking about how it is affecting internal and external stress help not only aids the person experiencing the IP, but the relationship’s overall wellbeing.
- Divide and conquer: A 2022 article showed that couples who share housework feel less stressed and more satisfied in their relationships (Carlson, 2022). That’s a good reason to divvy up the chores. Another good reason is that when one partner is swamped with work or family stuff, the other can take on the housework and allow that stressed-out partner a little breathing room.
- Collaborate on a “lessening the tension” plan: Unearth together the diversions that each of you relies on to take the edge off (exercise, reading, or hobbies) and make a mutual commitment to ensuring that you both have the time to engage in those reliably restorative activities. It might also be worthwhile to consider what kinds of things you two could do together that help you both relax (like evening strolls or weekly date nights) and think of those as couple-centric stress-reduction rituals.
To provide meaningful and helpful support to your partner, it is necessary to pay attention to their needs and wants without stepping over the line of their independence. Circumventing this line can make a partner feel as if they’re not capable of handling the situation, which is certainly not the sentiment one wishes to express when trying to be supportive.
When offering practical support, it is crucial not to make assumptions about what a partner needs or to pressure them into accepting what one has to offer. Partners who are capable of handling their stressors should be given room to do just that.
Couples can minimize relationship stress by closely following the advice given in this book. They can also snuggle up and cozy up together and become even more intimate in their relationship. They might also consider how the stress can serve as an impetus for change and a way to further deepen the intimacy they share. They should certainly, at a minimum, maintain a plan for how to cope with the stress together.
It is important to remember that effective dyadic coping is not a static thing but a dynamic process requiring flexibility, communication, and, above all else, compassion. These are the things that guide a couple down the path to an ever-strengthening union.
Avoiding Negative Coping Mechanisms
On the path to a healthy and resilient relationship, avoiding and understanding negative coping mechanisms is extremely important. Stress and miscommunication can generate negative coping strategies, which, in my experience, usually have at least one partner acting out in some way. These behaviors—blame, denial, and distorted imagination, for instance—are harmful to the relationship and disguise or misinterpret the real problems that need to be discussed. Understanding and dealing with these harmful patterns and processes is the first step towards a relationship where partners act as supports for one another.
To steer clear of negative coping mechanisms, consider implementing the following proactive steps:
- Be Mindful: Regularly check in with your own emotions and reactions. Am I shutting down this conversation before it even starts? I’m not saying we should always be happy and upbeat and supportive of everything our partner is doing, but I think it’s important for us to take a good look at ourselves and see if we’re falling into the same old patterns of behavior when we converse with our partners as we might have when we were conversing with someone who wasn’t a partner.
- Seek Feedback: Ask your partner to be honest with you about how certain actions I do or words I say affect them. Have I ever misunderstood you so badly that it made you want to pull your hair out? If that’s happened, tell me.
- Establish Salubrious Outlets for Stress: Don’t internalize stress or vent it onto others. Individuals need to find not just one but a repertoire of ways to relieve tension that could build up during the day. Those could be meditative practices, physical exercise, or art—whatever helps them chill.
The impact of these unhealthy behavioral patterns is clear if you look at relationship longevity. Poor coping mechanisms cause short-term melodrama and can create hurdles to intimacy and understanding that last a long time. It’s easy to see why some of these behaviors are toxic. It isn’t as easy to see why some of them—the ones we usually associate with being good partners—are also toxic.
We both know that conflict is normal in relationships—a part of human interaction anytime two people share space and live together. But when you read the relationship science on how to cope with it effectively, those are just strategies. Conflict is still going to happen. And what we do to manage it says a lot about the nature and health of our relationship.
An atmosphere that promotes safety and allows both partners to express their worries without the usual trappings of judgment or retaliation paves the way for nurturing and compassionate encounters. These encounters help one understand why the other is worried, and they involve listening to the other half of the couple with full attention, right down to the nitty-gritty details of what is troubling them.
When a partner aims to help avoid worrying, critical, or judgmental conversations, but does so with negative dyadic behaviors, that can lead the conversation to go south very quickly. Utilizing positive dyadic coping behaviors will likely have the opposite affect and will reduce worrying, critical, or judgemental conversations.
The Benefits of Joint Problem-Solving
Problem-solving together in the context of dyadic coping is a substantial paradigm shift. It moves us from an individualistic approach to one that is collaborative when it comes to managing relationship stress and resolving conflicts. This cooperative model lets couples throw their collective resources into the mix and emerge with solutions that serve both partners well. The model presumes healthy functioning in the relationship, considering the resilience of the couple and the quality of the bond between them.
Yet somehow, even in a healthy relationship, we are supposed to do all this with each other and our partners holding up our end of the deal without resentment and with a sense of good humor. Why? Because that’s what psychiatrists, family therapists, and other professionals who work with couples tell us leads to a happier and longer-lasting relationship.
Joint problem-solving has benefits beyond just producing short-term, specific answers. It elicits from partners a kind of working-together energy necessary to keep a relationship healthy, especially when the inevitable bumps in the road emerge (Bodenmann et al., 2018). That’s important in itself, but it also sets the emotional tone for the closeness of the relationship.
Seeing each other as decent, good, and committed (in ways important to each partner) is the foundation on which the kind of communication necessary in a good joint problem-solving session rests. When both partners share that kind of perspective, then seeing each other as partners in a shared project becomes easy.
| Step | Description |
|---|---|
| Identify Shared Goals | Begin with understanding what both partners want to achieve from solving a particular issue. |
| Active Listening | Practice fully listening to each other’s viewpoints without interrupting or formulating responses mid-conversation. |
| Empathy Exercise | Each partner tries to express how they think their partner is feeling about the situation before sharing their feelings. |
| Find Common Ground | Look for areas of agreement that can serve as a foundation for building solutions together. |
| Create Action Plan | Develop a step-by-step plan on how to address the issue, agreeing on who does what by when. |
When couples weave these steps into the fabric of their relationship, they do more than improve their joint coping abilities—they deepen their relationship satisfaction. The skills they learn enable them to have more meaningful and less contentious conversations about what they perceive to be problems. They end up with fewer problems and less stress in the long run.
Cultivating a Supportive Relationship Environment
A couple can create a caring bond conducive to dyadic coping if they prioritize time together spent in shared, positive experiences that reinforce their relationship. Following the traditional advice of “date nights,” many couples also do well to nurture their bond with surprise getaways and with shared, positive activities that are, in the end, the epitome of kindness and affection.
Hobbies shared as a couple, even ones not particularly loved by one partner, can be great ways to elicit the positive, bonding experiences so crucial to a couple’s effort in being able to cope together with stress.
Improving the ability to communicate contributes directly to the relationship. When we talk about “being able to communicate,” we mean more than just “speaking and listening.” We mean two partners having open, honest conversations about what each of them is experiencing, worrying about, or just plain needing. When it comes to relationship health or sickness, “being able to communicate” is a key factor. It allows for the thoroughly establishing one’s point of view (on either side) without a misunderstanding occurring that would lead to mistrust and/or, maybe, a lack of trying to solve the problem because one side thinks the other side is just plain wrong.
| Strategy | Impact on Relationship Environment |
|---|---|
| Regular Date Nights | Strengthens Bonds & Enhances Emotional Connection |
| Acts of Kindness | Boosts Appreciation & Affection Levels |
| Open Communication | Builds Trust & Facilitates Collaborative Coping |
If couples incorporate these strategies into their everyday lives, then they will be able to create a relational foundation that is stronger and more supportive than what most couples have. I said “most couples” because I know those of you reading this have friends, family, or even yourself in a relationship that just isn’t that great. That’s a sad fact about life. On the flip side, the good fact about life is that you can be in a relationship that, while it has some rough edges, comes pretty darn close to “ideal.”
Conclusion
To sum up, the concepts and tactics described in this article provide a basis for embedding meaningful dyadic coping within your relationship. It is, of course, of the utmost importance to grasp the positive and negative sides of dyadic coping. Positive dyadic coping means being strong together; it is supportive, and unifying, and makes both partners feel better. On the flip side, negative dyadic coping is synonymous with being weak together.
We discuss what it means to do both kinds of coping and (thankfully) what it looks like to do the former and not the latter.
Putting into action the types of practical strategies we’ve talked about takes a continual commitment from both partners. We need to remember that dyadic coping is not a “one-and-done” solution but an ongoing effort that grows and changes with the relationship.
An essential part of my practice is encouraging couples to have “stress talks.” I ask, at a minimum, that they have a couple of these each week. I ensure that in the first “stress talk,” each partner has a turn to share without interruption; then, we switch who has the floor to share again. After that, I ask the couple to take turns sharing their perspectives on the problem at hand—one is to speak while the other holds the listener’s mug—and following this, I request that they jointly come up with a solution.
Finally, it is essential to put dyadic coping into your relationship routine not just because it is stress-reducing (which it is!), but also because it has the potential to increase relationship intimacy and satisfaction. Making dyadic coping part of the way that you chill together as a couple has benefits far beyond just handling the stress of life better.
On the way to working these techniques into your lives as a couple, you will both inevitably have to confront some relationship challenges. Working through these challenges can be a deeply rewarding experience. At the same time, you and your partner can encourage one another to use relation-enhancing techniques—like dyadic coping—when facing both minor and major life events.
References:
- Bodenmann, G. (2000). Stress und coping bei paaren. Göttingen: Hogrefe.
- Bodenmann, G., Falconier, M., Randall, A. K., Lebow, J., Chambers, A., & Breunlin, D. C. (2018). Systemic-transactional model of dyadic coping. In: Lebow, J., Chambers, A., & Breunlin, D. C. (Eds.) Encyclopedia of couple and family therapy. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-15877-8_761-1
- Carlson, D. L. (2022, April 25). Mine and Yours, or Ours: Are All Egalitarian Relationships Equal?. Council on Contemporary Families. https://sites.utexas.edu/contemporaryfamilies/2022/04/25/egalitarian-relationships-brief-report/
